Why My Kid Refuses to Go to School

Nancy Friedman, M.S.W. R.S.W. - Registered Social Worker

When your kid refuses to go to school: Understanding the possible causes

For many parents, the morning battle to get a child out the door and off to school is more than a fleeting phase; it’s a deeply distressing cycle of meltdowns, physical complaints, and pleas to stay home. This persistent and emotional resistance, known as school refusal, is often rooted in anxiety, stress, or fear—not simple defiance. Understanding the complex reasons behind this behavior is the first step toward helping your child navigate their fears and find their way back to the classroom.

School refusal stems from an intense emotional reaction that makes attending school feel unbearable. A child may genuinely feel overwhelmed, and their anxiety can manifest in very real physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomach aches, and nausea, which often conveniently disappear on weekends.

Possible contributing factors of the struggle

The reasons for school refusal are as varied as the children who experience it. For some, it’s a symptom of a mental health condition like social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, or depression. For others, specific triggers at school or at home create overwhelming stress:

• Separation anxiety: Especially common in younger children, intense anxiety can cause kids to fear something terrible will happen to their parents while they are apart.

• Social and peer issues: Problems with friends, social isolation, or being a target of bullying, harassment, discrimination or abuse by an adult or a peer at school, on the bus or on the way to and from school can make school feel like a hostile environment.

• Academic pressure: A fear of failure, perfectionism, or an undiagnosed learning disability can make the pressure of schoolwork feel paralyzing.

• Major life changes: Stressful events at home, such as a death in the family, parental separation, parent’s mental health or addiction challenges, or even moving to a new school, can trigger school refusal.

• Sensory sensitivities: For some children, particularly those with conditions like autism spectrum disorder (ASD), the noise, crowds, and bright lights of a busy school can be overwhelming.

• Unrealistic expectations by the child and/or the parents for the child’s performance.

What parents can do

When your child is struggling, a supportive and proactive approach can make all the difference.

1. Listen and validate their feelings: Talk to your child in a calm, non-judgmental way during a peaceful time, not during a morning meltdown. Acknowledge their distress by saying, "I can see you're really worried about going to school, and that's okay. We'll work through this together".

2. Act immediately: The longer school refusal continues, the harder it is to break the cycle of avoidance. Early intervention is key to preventing the problem from becoming deeply entrenched.

3. The first step needs to be to find out the reason(s) for the child’s refusal to go to school. You may be able to find out through talking with the child on your own and talking with the child’s teacher. If the child refuses or says that they do not know the reasons, you may need to get assistance from a counsellor who can meet with the child a few times to find out the reason(s) for the school refusal. The child may not feel ready or safe to share information, e.g. when the child is being abused at school and the perpetrator threatened to harm them if they tell what is going on.

4. Collaborate with the school: Contact your child's teacher, school counselor, or principal to share your concerns and develop a return-to-school plan, depending on the reasons for the school refusal. This might involve an assessment of the child to identify the child’s accommodation needs to be successful at school, including a gradual increase of their time at school.

5. It may be beneficial to offer the child the opportunity to change schools to give the child a fresh start and a new, safe environment.

6. If the reasons that the child is not attending school are related to challenges for the family, individual counselling for the child and family counselling may be necessary to address the underlying challenges that contribute to the school refusal.

7. During the period of time that the child is not attending school, try to maintain a similar structure and routine that the school provides. For example, no screen time and doing school work to the child’s level of ability during school hours.

8. Be firm but fair: While validating their feelings, maintain the clear and consistent message that school attendance is non-negotiable. Avoid giving in to arguments or bribery, as this reinforces the idea that refusing school is a viable option.

9. Seek professional help: If the anxiety or refusal persists despite your efforts after you ruled out all the possible reasons listed above, it's time to consult your pediatrician for a referral to a mental health professional. Conditions like severe anxiety or depression often require specialized intervention, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), to help a child develop coping skills.

A long-term perspective

Dealing with school refusal is a journey that requires patience, consistency, and a team effort involving parents, educators, and mental health professionals. By focusing on understanding and addressing the root causes and providing unwavering support, you can help your child gain trust in parents and adults, build resilience and regain the confidence they need to thrive both in and out of the classroom.

I hope that as you read this article, you identify what may be some possible causes for your child’s school refusal.

I provide individual, couple, co-parenting and family counselling to children, youth and adults. You are welcome to contact me at https://www.wellnessforthebody.com/team for a free 15 minute consultation to see if I will be a good fit for you to assist you and your child to return to school successfully.